Shame

Walking through the streets.... naked

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I skipped the working out all Summer.

Was busy

Excuse 

Excuse

Excuse

Amazing how I find the time to do others things... even whole days to do things... other things.

I've also quit the trainer I was using and am currently in an argument about getting a refund. 

Frankly, its making me sick. I hate arguments. I hate people thinking bad thoughts about me.

I know I look bad.

Although I'm right. 

Anyway. 

Here I am in September. 

6 months until 35

So much for enjoying the second half of my thirties.

I weigh  197  lbs. 

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SHAME

Why I'm not going to the trainers

'Cause we are in Pensacola enjoying ourselves

Not today

yeah... not going today..

DDD

Disappointed. Discouraged Disgusted

I went and I'm not feeling overly positive. First of all.... instead of nearly passing out I actually felt as if I could go longer. But I couldn't tell that to Sean of course because he hightailed it out of there long before I was gone. (He put me on the elliptical for 16  mins.) I ended up going for over 20 minutes because I was waiting for him to come back and check on me... and .. really I LIKE the elliptical. They put music on with fierce beats and I got really into. But I digress.

So... I've plopped down a ton of money and so far...

I haven't been assessed... no weighing.. no measurements.. so how does Sean know if what we're doing is working?

We also only worked out for MAYBE 20 mins... what happened to 60 min work out sessions?

I think I need to have a discussion with him.

About to go....

So apparently I'm to go to the gym early to use the treadmill or whatever to "warm up."

I'm super curious if I'll come close to passing out again. I suppose so.

Honestly? I really have no interest in going. I want to put Aivry down for a nap and read for a few hours... its Spring Break. I want a break. and I'm tired.

Whiiiiiiiiiine

A little voice keeps saying " who are you kidding? You're a fatty. You've been fat your entire adult life. Sit down and be who you are."

I typed up my eating habits for the week. I didn't fudge... thought about it but hey whatever.

Less than an hour to go.

Round 2 ding ding ding

Going back to the trainers tomorrow. I'm finally OK. I can even go up the stairs normally without *much* fear of collapsing. 

Bring it on.

Don't think they'll like my food diary though. I forgot to mention that was my homework. 

I've been contemplating doctoring it. I really don't NEED them to tell me how to eat. I KNOW how I should eat... I just DON'T.

I'm such a lazy ass!

Oh, we've started the no High Fructose Corn Syrup. We've had some slip ups. There are a LOT of stuff in our diet with this listed as an ingredient. It's very eye opening.

We've decided that next month our give up is pork... as in ALL pork. No more Ham for me... sniff and no more Bacon for John... sniff. 

Research

So I'm doing research. I've torn my muscle fibers and the pain is caused from the tears and the inflammation. But. It shouldn't be so bad next time because I've already done the damage. Sounds good to me.Hopefully next week I wont fall in the front of Publix ... ya know... like I did yesterday. 'Cause that wasn't embarrassing at all! NOPE... a 200 lb shorty collapsing in front of Publix.

I. CANT. MOVE.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

no more SQUATS!

I. CAN'T. MOVE.

The muscles in my thighs have quit... my legs are collapsing under me and I cannot climb the stairs or for that matter.... walk down the stairs. I can't get off the couch.. can't pick up Aivry. 

What the hell???

WOW

I went.

WOW


John never did confirm with me about the time so yesterday I texted him asking about tonight. A guy named "Sean" answered instead. It didn't make sense... John works solo.. who the heck is this Sean guy? So I went online to their website and... OF COURSE... John just sold his business THIS WEEK and now these new, inexperienced youngun's are now working there. Damn it.

So... I went with a dubious heart.

The place is tiny... I don't know what I was expecting but not this teeny claustrophobic room. I met John... I knew I'd like him. Instantly I felt I'd love to work with him and that he would know exactly how to transform me. I told him my concerns about his selling the business and having to work with the other guys. He was very reassuring about how he's training them and watching over.. yadda yadda but I met Sean.. and the other guy, Brandon. They both are young and weenie looking. Snort. Absolutely no authority emanates from these guys.

Anyway... so John started me with working out and eventually turned me over to Sean.

I had this vision... I'd go in... I wouldn't be talkative... I wouldn't give a lot of info. I'd be cool and collected and do what they told me with my "can do" attitude.

Shit

Not only did I nervously babble at them but I caught myself apologizing and being self deprecating (an hold habit I thought I'd kicked) At one point I looked up and found Sean standing there looking at the ceiling and yawning.

Ugh.

Sooooo..... how'd it go?

I DID LOTS.OF.SQUATS.... OH MY GOD!

I nearly passed out... quite a few times.. and I'm not being dramatic. My head buzzed, my face turned candy apple red, my hearing became muted and ... well... all those other horrible physical sensations that occur right before you pass out.

When they said I was done... I went out to the car and sat there until my heart stopped racing and my head stopped spinning. My legs were jello.

I wasn't functional until an hour after getting home.

Really, I'm still not OK...

My body says " WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?"

Maybe next week?

This morning I went to the Dr. I have pneumonia. So, I contacted John, the trainer, and rescheduled for Tuesday but he didn't confirm the time and so I'm worried about how bad this looks.... that he's thinking "yeah yeah another one full of excuses."

His motto is "Excuses or Results?"  

I don't want to be one full of excuses.

What a surprise..

everyone in our house is sick... I'm really sick... going to have to go to the Dr. Don't think I'm seeing the trainer on Tuesday.

It's SCHEDULED!

The personal trainer, John, sent me a message back. I'm seeing him next Tuesday at 5 pm!!

When I saw the message (text) from him my heart sped up a bit. 

I think I'm nervous. 

Happy Birthday to Me and CRAP its nearing a year later!

Today I turn 34. I'm still 5 foot 1 inches and I'm still 200 lbs.

Exactly 200 pounds.... it doesn't seem to change.

I did initially lose 15 pounds when we went on our 10 days of REAL food but then John's Grandmother who I briefly mentioned was in the hospital ended up dying.

That put a stop to our diet.

So... in the 6.... no 7 MONTHS we've made the following changes...

In October we eliminated hot dogs from our diet.

In November we eliminated french fries.

December was McDonald's (yes a necessity to give it a whole month by itself)

January was boxed, starchy sides like instant potatoes or rices.

February was processed lunchmeat

This month, March, is  canned vegetables and fruit. (fresh or frozen now only)

Next month will be anything with high fructose corn syrup

I realize it doesn't seem to be a lot but we're eliminating all of these things completely and we have a whole month to adjust to this ONE new rule.  This seems easier. Taking these little steps doesn't seem so extreme and when we circle back to a year in October the list should be pretty long on what we no longer eat.

However, obviously this is not satisfactory in regards to ME being healthier. I need to do more. I am NOT being a good example for my girls.

So, tonight I just sent a message to a private fitness studio down the street.. I'm going to prioritize exercise in our lives.. starting with me... I'm going to work with a personal trainer.

GULP